3 steps toward getting over your people-pleasing tendencies
Recovering people pleasers know that it’s really hard to get over people-pleasing tendencies. You’re working against years of habits you probably picked up very early on in life and have been reinforcing for many years. You were likely taught by your parents to be a good girl; don’t make a fuss. You were told by your teachers to be quiet and get good grades. The rest of the world heaped their own expectations onto you as well. And here you are.
In adulthood, you’ve realized that you need to live more authentically and figure out who you truly are. So now what? How do you get over these people-pleasing tendencies?
First of all, as you work to untangle these issues, be kind and patient with yourself. Getting over your people-pleasing tendencies is possible with some hard work, practice and support.
Just the fact that you’re reading this post means you know there’s an issue and you are ready to take steps to change it! Woo hoo! As a therapist and coach with years of experience helping women like you recover from their people-pleasing tendencies, I’m here to support you throughout this process. You can sign up for my small-group coaching program, ‘Are You Mad at Me?’ It’s designed to help you stop people-pleasing, stop overthinking and start living boldly. Consider it as we take steps toward letting go of the very strong pull you may have to people pleasing.
Let’s jump in.
Define what being a people pleaser means to you
Our friend Mirriam Webster says that a people pleaser is, “often a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.”
If you identify as a people-pleaser, it’s possible you think being selfish might just be the worst thing in the world you could possibly be.
We need to examine why that is and how that came to be. This is a great time to grab your journal or use the notes section on your phone, really think about the questions I am about to ask and then… write, write, write!
What does it mean to be selfish?
Is “selfish” a positive or negative word?
Can you think of a time you’ve judged yourself or someone for being selfish?
What would you do if you knew no one would judge you?
How would your life look different if you cared less about what others thought?
So at this point you’ve done some serious thinking and some serious writing about this, right? Ok, good.
On to the next step.
2. Say “no” to something on purpose to get over your people-pleasing tendencies
If you have a deer in the headlights look on your face at the mere thought of saying no to someone… take a breath. Okay it might sound scary but I want you to know that you can totally do this. You can start with something very small and very inconsequential to dip your toe in the pool of “no.” We aren’t starting with the big stuff; if your child asks for a ride, this is not the time to practice saying no. If an acquaintance asks you to come to her tupperware party (assuming you are not in the market for tupperware), you can say, “Oh thanks but that doesn’t work for me.” And then be quiet! Resist the urge to over explain.
If your friend asks you to get together at a time that conflicts with your weekly chill time-you know, that time built into your schedule where you have no obligations and can just sit in silence? Your reply can be, “Oh thanks but that doesn’t work for me.” And then be quiet! Resist the urge to over explain.
A work related way of saying no is by logging off when your workday is done and not answering emails until you log back in the next morning. And sitting with the discomfort you will absolutely feel at doing so. That feeling of discomfort is where the magic happens! I know it sounds weird but it’s true.
When you start to 1) get in touch with what are the things you want to spend your time doing and 2) get in touch with what are the things you absolutely do not want to be doing, it helps to guide your decision making. When you make the decision that you prefer to opt out, you will feel anxiety and worry and fear about what the person you’ve said no to thinks about you. You might have FOMO or worry that this person will shit talk you for not saying yes. You might feel all of those things. And you will survive those feelings. I promise that you will.
My challenge for you is to sit in the anxiety-sit in the discomfort of worrying that you have disappointed someone. And allow yourself to spend time doing the things YOU enjoy, regardless of how frivolous or silly another might judge those things to be. If chill time isn’t your vibe, find something that is and build it into your schedule as a sacred appointment. I view exercise as being just as important in my schedule as anything else that I do-time with family, work, house stuff-without exercise I am a cranky, less productive person. So that time is essential if I want to show up as the dazzling version of me I strive to be. Give yourself permission to do things you enjoy, whatever those things are. And if your idea of a good time is sitting quietly and “doing” nothing at all, go for it! Recharging is essential and badass!
3. Keep practicing your recovering-people-pleaser ways by drawing boundaries
I promise that once you start practicing saying no and getting clearer about the things you value and how you want to spend your precious time, you will start to have fun with setting boundaries. You will begin to question all the things you agree to just to be nice or to be liked and you’ll start to see things through a different lens; a lens where your needs are higher up on the priority list. And if you worry that setting boundaries and taking care of yourself will turn you into a bitch, it won’t.
Boundaries are what help you to protect what matters most to you. And, my dear, YOU should be on that list of what matters most to you.
Sticking to and enforcing those boundaries is totally possible-it takes practice and it takes time and it takes getting comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Get ready to uncover a whole new version of you. She’s in there, waiting to be dusted off and set free.
Always know that you are not alone. I can help you get over your people-pleasing tendencies and live a more authentic life!